Text Conversations: John and Sherlock
by charliebrown1234
Summary: John and Sherlock have text conversations. Inspired by Text Message Transcripts by Not Panicking.
1. Coming Home

Disclaimer: I wish I owned John and Sherlock, because then we'd all get the new episodes as a Christmas present!

John, what do people do? –SH

**Feeling profound again Sherlock? Normal people** **have****social** **lives, go out with their mates, buy groceries at the Tesco…**

That's what I have you for, the boring things. –SH

**Boring is a good thing, Sherlock. The world doesn't revolve around crime and murder, but I'm sure you wouldn't know that. You deleted the solar system, remember?**

I already said, the solar system isn't important. Why would I waste time on something unimportant when there's so many things that are INTERESTING? Like casework. –SH

**Casework Sherlock? Do you really think that you'll spend your entire life solving people's problems? What about retirement someday? Settling down?**

Settling down to what? A life just sitting and doing nothing? Wasting away as a human vegetable? No, I never intend to stop what I do. –SH

**Right. Fine. ****Anyway****, I'm going to assume you've been eating while I've been gone and that the pantries are empty, so I'll be stopping at the Tesco. Any (legal) requests?**

No. We're probably out of milk though. –SH

**What? How? I bought three gallons before I left so you wouldn't run out!**

Too long to explain, but a word to the wise, don't search the kitchen cabinets. –SH

**What! Sherlock! Tell me you didn't do some experiment with body parts and leave them in the kitchen!**

I did not leave them in the kitchen. I strategically placed them in cool, dark places which just so happened to be in the kitchen. –SH

**And why, exactly, do they need to be in a cool, dark place?**

Better conditions for bacteria to grow. –SH

**For bacteria to grow, Sherlock? Am I going to need to get hazardous waste bags at the Tesco?**

They sell those? Pick some up just in case. And it's nothing bad, just a foot, three fingers and a tongue. –SH

**Is this for a case or are you doing this in a fit of childish boredom?**

Neither. A stretch of bored curiosity. –SH

**What about your case? I thought Lestrade had you working on something?**

Solved it. Multi-university drug dealing fraternity led by a serial killer. –SH

**Doesn't he have any cold cases for you to solve? Anything is better that decomposition experiments!**

Not decomposition, bacterial growth. And as if I don't want a case, he doesn't have any. -SH

**Lestrade has no cold cases? In the entire history of Scotland Yard, every single case has been solved and put away? All of them?**

None that interest me, at least. –SH

**What would interest you right now?**

**Besides a case.**

I was thinking of pulling out my violin. –SH

**Lovely. I'll be at the flat in five with those hazmat bags.**

John? –SH

John, respond. -SH

Don't be childish, John, I know you're ignoring me. -SH

I'll take the tongue out of the ice dispenser. –SH

**And whatever that was in my bedroom.**

Fine.

–SH

A.N. This was another goofy text conversation written between myself and my friend Blinking Angel. I got to be John and she is playing one of the best Sherlock's around! There will be another update to this as soon as I get it looked over by my wonderful beta PantyDragon. Thank you my fantastic beta who is amazing!

Companion fic is called Text Conversations: Lestrade and Sherlock. Happy Holidays everyone!


	2. Christmas

Disclaimer: I still don't own Sherlock and John, but this is my last chance to post this before the new episode tonight makes them look really out of character!

**Do you want me to get a Christmas tree while I'm out shopping?**

If you must. –SH

Not a real one though. I'd rather not have an insect-infested object in the flat. –SH

**What? You keep bugs in the flat all the time! I'd really like a real tree Sherlock.**

I keep them contained for observation. It's different. –SH

**So should I stop by the tree lot on the way home?**

Fine. Do what you want. -SH

**Great! Can you measure how high the ceiling is for me?**

No. -SH

**Why not?**

I have the dimensions of the flat memorized, I don't need to measure**.** -SH

**So, can you tell me what they are?**

Two and a half meters. -SH

**Right… Um, do you have any decorations or should I get those while I'm out as well?**

Go ahead and get some. -SH

**Do you care at all what they look like or should I just use my best judgment?**

Use your best judgment, John. My aptitudes hardly tend toward Christmas decorations. Just don't get flashing lights, it'll be distracting enough without giving me a migraine. -SH

**As distracting as body parts in various states of decomposition lying around the flat?**

Those are pertinent to cases and discoveries for future cases and I'll kindly ask you to stop using them as excuses. –SH

**As excuses? When do I use your foul-smelling experiments as excuses?**

You cited my bugs in the flat as a logical excuse as why a live Christmas tree is reasonable. You also said that flashing lights wouldn't be "as distracting as body parts in various states of decomposition. –SH

**Those are not excuses Sherlock! Those are facts! Most normal people have Christmas hams in their fridges this time of year, not heads!**

Most normal people do not solve unsolvable crimes! They also don't care as much about the world they're blindly stumbling through. –SH

**Poetic. What's that, Emerson?**

I don't read poetry, takes up memory. –SH

**Okaaay. Speaking of the normal people who don't have hard drives for brains, do you want to come to the Yard's holiday party with me?**

I'm too busy at the moment. You go ahead. –SH

**Busy doing what? When I left the flat you were complaining of being bored. Again.**

Tending to experiments and thinking. –SH

**Just so I know, why don't you think and experiment when you're bored all the other times?**

Lestrade just gave me a deliciously interesting case so I am very busy thinking and experimenting about it. Go to your party. I'll be working. –SH

**You've got a case? During the holidays? Christ, Sherlock! What's it about?**

Crime never rests, John. And technically it's a lead, but eventually a case. –SH

**Of course crime never rests. Why would I ever think that maybe I could have a quiet Christmas without violence or bodies?**

Feel free to enjoy your Christmas. I'll deal with the case myself. –SH

**You don't really think I'd just let you go off on your own and get yourself killed?**

No, I think you'll come along to help me because you love the thrill of the chase. –SH

**You're a real arse sometimes, you know that? Even so, I can't let you go off on your own, because if you die I'd have to pay rent myself.**

Angelo's. Six o'clock. –SH

**I'll be there, but you're paying.**

Fine. -SH

A.N. Well, it's not quite Christmas anymore but you know how it goes. Work, holiday celebrations, cleaning, presents… Or maybe I just procrastinated and this was my New Year's resolution. The world may never know. Once again a big shout out to PantyDragon and her crazy betaing skills and to my partner in crime BlinkingAngel as Sherlock! Happy New Year!


End file.
